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Man, Kelly’s got someone, and Mavis, and Harold, even found someone like , what is up with that, eh? Because I’ve got, like the looks, and like the charm, and like, the moves! So what’s going on?! If this reminds you of your own feeble love thoughts, maybe the reason you aren’t getting anyone, is because you’re doing something wrong. Maybe you aren’t putting yourself on the meat market, or perhaps your self-respect is a tad too high? Well... Screw self-respect! What you need right now are some quick and easy solutions to grab someone... anyone. So here are 7 ultra shallow ways (you need!) to attract the average ultra shallow soul mate.

1. Spend all your piggy bank money on push up bras. If you want your guy to look you in the face when you talk, make sure your boobs are pushed up to chin level.

2. Clothes? Save some money and just go to school naked. It’s sure to cause some attraction.

3. Staple high powered magnets onto the shallow soul mate and then bring out your oppositely charged high powered magnets.

4. Listen in to his private-male-bonding conversations. When he reveals who he likes, rush over to a good plastic surgeon and try to look as close as you can to his crush. Then, attack!

5. Just give up and turn gay, already!

6. Continue slathering make-up on every morning. There’s no such thing as natural beauty right?

7. Just build a soul mate trap! You can buy them at local hunting shops, although there they call them “bear traps”...

- Becky